Frequently Asked Questions (by strangers around town) and Answers I Give (in my head)
(A.K.A. Adoption Microaggressions)
Please lean into your discomfort as you read about the questions I receive almost every day when I'm in public with my adopted daughters:
When you hear them calling me mommy it's safe to assume they are indeed my kids and we aren't doing a role play, without asking for verification. See, when you insist on blurting out your urgent questions like a toddler, you are sending a message that something is different about them. For young children who just want to belong, this message is not only exhausting, but detrimental to positive self-esteem. Given that they are probably the darkest chocolate you've ever seen (unless you've visited West Africa), and I am white as the driven snow, it's also safe to infer that they're adopted...again, without asking for verification.
And now, I'm going to pay for my groceries.
Are they real sisters?
Well, it's not a play date if that's what you mean. Yes, they are sisters. I hate to even tell you the truth, which is that they are biological sisters, because I'm disturbed by the look of happiness that comes over your face in learning that they are related by blood, or "real" sisters. You are so very satisfied. It makes me wonder what your reaction would be if they were not "real" siblings, by your limited definition. And really, think about what your question says about your perception of our relationship as mother and child. I know, it's just nice for them to have been able to stay together, but your urgent question carries a lot of information and judgement that I'm just not interested in hearing.
And now I'm going to finish using the ATM.
What happened to their real mom?
You must mean their biological mother. I am their real mom, and if you touch me you will see that I am, in fact, real. Their bio mother abandoned them, and it's a very personal story that we'd rather not discuss with people we don't know. Would you want me, a stranger, asking you about your child's past trauma?
Anyhoo, I'm going to continue ordering my latte.
Why did you adopt?
We wanted kids and they needed parents. Seriously, it really was that easy to decide. But since you want to talk about adoption, I have a question for you: Why didn't you adopt? And when you answer be sure to weigh the importance of your reason against the importance of the life of an already living child (as opposed to the life you could or could not choose to create). I'm not judging, but since you asked, let's discuss. Oh look at the time! I better get back to selecting my toilet paper.
Could you not have children?
I have children. But if you mean am I infertile or is my husband sterile, the answer is no. We adopted by choice and practice birth control because we believe adoption is awesome. How are your reproductive organs working, by the way? Oh forget I asked, the light is green so I should cross.
Why didn't you adopt from the United States?
Have you visited a developing country before? No. Okay. Most orphans in developing countries have an insurmountable destiny ahead of them that is practically incomparable to the situation in developed nations. Developing nations have fewer resources, less money, and more disease and poverty than people in industrial nations can even imagine. What I've seen in the many developing nations I've visited are conditions unfathomable by most Americans, which compelled me to want to do something immediately. But let's not talk about me: Tell me again why you didn't adopt?
Why did you request to adopt girls?
FGM, child rape, sexism and a lifetime a servitude as a second class citizen, to name a few reasons. It's similar to an answer I gave earlier today at Vons about why we chose international over domestic adoption.
Where did they live before?
They lived in the Liberian refugee camp in Ghana for the first few years of their lives, then they were at an orphanage for about two years before we became a family. There was no running water and limited electricity, there were many children and only one main caretaker. They ate mostly popcorn and cornmeal, had no access to modern medicine or vaccinations, and generally did as they pleased. Abuse was rampant. I'm not trying to paint a sad picture, but since you asked, this is the reality. Have a nice day!
Weren't you worried they would have something wrong with them?
Girl, let me tell you. They have TONS of things wrong with them. Concerns include: not wanting to go to bed at bedtime, deriving too much pleasure from sugar, and not adequately cleaning up after themselves.
What about malnutrition disorders?
Most experts agree that the effects of malnutrition such as mental and physical underdevelopment can be reversed in young children with the appropriate medical care and nutrition. Our kids each grew more than four inches in the first few months they were with us. They are now each in the normal ranges for their ages, top readers in their classes and the the most athletic kids I know. If you are asking because you're considering adoption, then I'm happy to tell you more.
Based on some recent incidents in Haiti and other places, the system has become scrupulous to ensure that children up for adoption are actual orphans with no caretakers. Children have to be DNA tested, relatives have to appear in court and records are tracked down to make sure there is no confusion, errors, or misconduct on either the African or American end. Unfortunately these new laws make the adoption process longer than it used to be, but it’s worth it and it's important. How weird for you to basically accuse me of child trafficking, though, right here in Toys R Us.
One last tip: If you preface a question with "I'm sorry for asking" or "I hope this isn't rude" that doesn't make it okay to go ahead and ask. Kinda makes me want to know who raised you.
